Mashfique's Diary
Monday, February 06, 2006
Recover post
I haven't written since my birthday. There are few reasons for that; mainly I am a natural procrastinator and secondly events in my life slowed down to a crawl that it seemed pointless to write about them. The funny thing is, now it seems like everything is not just crawling, but been put on hold. So, I am writing again, in hope things will pick up and I can start to enjoy things once again. Also things aren’t actually falling apart, they are actually in place and working nicely; school has been keeping me busy and I work just enough to not go insane from homework. I also get a healthy dose of friendly/weekly entertainment, but it still feels like I am missing something. I have thought about this, but the only answer I arrive at is a question itself. The question is why am I doing what I am doing. Am I to study and actually finish university, or will I just waste time and actually get out to do something else. I am not quite sure. And the level of uncertainly has been eating me up. So, what do I do… well for now I procrastinate a lot about doing my homework and do them at the last minute, thinking I will find the answers to all my questions soon. Now, look what I have started, I am actually rambling. I can’t no long articulate my thought process. In this sad note I will end the post that will mark the beginning of many posts to come, until I get back on my feet again.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Chu Chu Train
I am headed towards another station of my life. I think to myself that I will stop for few seconds; rest a bit. Count up all my passengers and measure all my cargo. But I think I will mostly stop to some old songs and to enjoy the company of some old friends. And when I finally get the signal, I will move on.
It is only a date, but for some reason it makes me look back and reflect upon my life every time. I am twenty-one. Life has taken so many turns. Success is still a dream that runs through my veins with vigorous force, but everything in near future seems so blurry. But that is another subject matter. I am here for a different reason; it’s to celebrate the experiences that I have gone through. Mostly good and some were bad, but I think I have enjoyed both and I pray that I can be strong to enjoy the ones that are to come. I am also thankful for the people I have in my day to day life and I hope the ones that have left are in good health and mind. Last I have nothing to be but positive and it’s again time to carry on.
The water waves
The dawn breaks
The air sings in tune
Flowers dance to please
The rain drops do nothing but tease
It’s a beautiful beginning
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Drive Thru
Literally, I am sitting on the pavement of a Timmy's, except this one is not in Toronto. I am at a port in North Sydney, Nova Scotia. It is amazing what you can do with technology now. I was waiting for the ferry, which is due for departure around nine in the morning, then I found a wireless signal and I followed it here. The reception is pretty good here, so I am just killing some time.
The drive to this place was so beautiful that I can't describe in words. It was nice traveling through four provinces and one state. I left Ontario in dark, so I didn't see much there, but rest of the ride has been spectacular. Mostly hilly roads with tress all around and occasionally lakes pulled up right along the side. I didn't get to take make many pictures, but I will try on my way back. Either than that, I am tired, going to go sleep soon.
I will update once I am on the island. St. Johns shouldn't be that boring.
Meanwhile.. listen to "love should" by Moby.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
"I think I am gone again"
Yes, finally I am heading out tonight. My car is fixed, purchases are made, GPS points are plotted and camera is ready to go. I am off to my photographic adventure once again; only this time its five thousand kilometers of it, behind the wheel.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Water and the Sky: sometimes they are blue.
“I am speechless. Out of words to describe my current state of mind. I don’t know what to feel anymore; should I be sad, mad, happy or just glad?”
Above lines is what I wrote two days ago, feeling very confused without a direction in my life, but that’s not the case anymore. A foggy morning is starting to clear up and I might even clearly see the water and sky at the end of the day.
Past few weeks have been a time of incredible happenings. Good and bad, of course, but if you know me, then you certainly know I sum up the bad things with good to balance things out and at the end I am a happy camper.
Hope drives us all and emotion takes control. You got to be careful when you chasing a rebellious bird. A wrong turn will result in crashing and burning. Thankfully I have hit the brake in time or at least I hope I did. ‘I guess I won’t catch you this time, Bird, but there is always a next time.’
It is funny how I mock my own misfortune, but I believe that’s the key having a light heart. And things go better when you pursue it with a light heart, maybe not your way, but certainly a lot smoother.
That’s pretty much what I am going to say about my emotional state, but as other things; I am on slightly off-track with school and work, but business is good.
I am enjoying a lot of time outdoor; cause nature gives you the only pure energy without a condition. And at time like this, I need it more than anything else.
I sat alone at Rouge Beach, wondering away at the stars and tuning into to whispers of the water and quaking of the geese. A full moon was shining like a bindi on Mother Nature. The water sparkled here and there and waves hit the shore, and gently poured over on my feet. The softness of the wind touched my face and I instantly wanted to transform into a water bird. I wanted to take off with my feet skidding and wings flapping; and fly away from this city. Only if that was possible. I did something more practical; I emptied my heart from all the civilized emotions and enjoyed only nature’s melodrama.
That was couple of nights ago. I went back to the same place before sunrise today, but the feeling wasn’t the same. I took my camera this time. I am posting couple of pictures for show. One thing though, I am inspired once again to do something I am used to doing; which is to run away from home. I think I am going to go on a road trip. How does week after next sound?
Sunday, May 22, 2005
HELL, YEAH!!!
It’s all messed up. Nothing is coherent as I like them to be. I feel ill and everything else is falling apart. This all started when I got a fever mid last week; now the fever is gone but I feel weak and lacking interest in pretty much doing anything. Eating, sleeping, driving, conversing, creating and working all seem like chores. I would pretty much like to disappear and turn to nothing. Sadly this is very unusual for an optimistic person like me, but that’s what I exactly feel like doing. I would like to pass over these times as soon as possible and mixed in the confusion are uncertainty of other things in life. I like having destinies, goals and peaks to aim at, but when things are out of my hands.. I can’t help but feel lost. Yeah that’s right, I shouldn’t have, but I have tried taming that little rebellious bird I keep talking about. Oh well, if anything life goes on. I have learnt to deal with it very well over the years; just one more hurdle can only make me stronger. Though I truly and honestly can say that I would like things to work out this time more than ever. Anyways, I am done writing and I know this is all crap but it’s all I’ve got and chaos is always a sign of something new in creation. I will go kill this whore of a time and will post a brighter update in the future.
PS. I have no regrets for any attempts.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
If you see the world with my eyes; you would be surprised at what you know.
I wish to experience the warmth of a beautiful sunrise, twinkling of stars, tickling of rain drops, dangers of great heights, fragrance of flowers, tang of oranges and the emptiness of my heart. The world around is so intricately in balance and endangered that it’s hard to miss its delightful beauty. Even the ugliest of hearts will at least skip once to admire this creation.
Enjoying such as something as nature has now become indexed. You have to file a request of leave and make an appointment away from civilization and do something like drive up north to camp in a bush.
We are so boggled down by civilization and its tender love that we oversee the real source of energy. Nature doesn’t make promises, advertise cheap thrills, cancel a date or demand a mother’s day present. It plays no games and embraces you if you accept it. And to truly accept nature, you have to empty your heart from civilized emotions like hate, anger and love, and then just wait for a breakthrough. Once you have accomplished that you can truly become one and experience something different; you might even call it enlightenment.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
"If you could see the world with my eyes; you would be surprised at what you know”
It’s been awhile; usually is now. Life is slow though still in a comfortable momentum. I did few things since I posted last, nothing of significance though. School and work continues as is. Read few books: The Last Testament, Dogs of War, On the Wing of Eagles and more. So, sounds pretty boring for day to day life, well it is.
The quote at the top is from a Tea Party song. Songs that amused me in time of distress once. Things change usually for the better and you move on, but it’s nice to go back and evoke some sad memories and enjoy them silently.
Ok ok.. that sounds depressing, but I have learnt to enjoy every moment in my life. Good or bad, take it in as an experience and you will have a better day. That’s why I say I am always good, don’t ask me that.
Life I guess is good. Wouldn’t mind stirring things up a bit. Any suggestions?
PS: I was discouraged by the ugly messages left by a stranger, but now I will post more often.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
To what extent
“Life can’t just be about living; if it is, then to what extent?” is what my friend asked me.
If you are looking for a purpose and the answer you get is as simple as just “living”, then yes life is just about living and making yourself happy, but why settle there. I feel angry sometimes when people say that’s what they have settled for. It’s a lot more than that and the limit is only high as you set it and if people are aiming that low then yes a global fallout may even sound like a homogeneous ending.
You are not insignificant; you’re not just a millisecond in this universe of infinite time. If that’s what you feel then you got to look harder. If Edison and Einstein muttered that they are nothing but just unfortunate souls stuck here to pass time then they would never inspire others.
A person might see their life as small on scale of existence, but their existence is not. Think about all the energy that the universe actually had to invest to bring you to this moment. If you don’t believe in god then at least think about it in scientific manner, and try calculating just all the necessary supplies. Now after all that, don't you think it would be ungrateful not to give something back? And imagine all the new answers and experience you can gain by doing so. If that’s hard for you to comprehend then imagine yourself as the single neuron that held the last bit of thought that Edison had before he rendered his greatest invention. Now if you were a lazy cell then the whole world still be living in the dark.
Each one of us is an individual cell, but if one decides to not do their job then we all can fall apart, especially the one that connects the thousand others. So, always think big because you have the chance to be and try. If you fail then its not so bad to say I tired. Maybe you will become famous in the process and die with no regrets.
And remember life is not just a blink of an eye, but your experience through it should be.
Monday, October 18, 2004
I hate the way you walk
I hate the way you talk
I hate the way you look
I hate the way you smile or laugh
I hate every single grain of you.
Yet, I am utterly fascinated with your ill characteristics.
Gone are the days when I used to write; poetry. I stumbled upon a file and opened it and above are the lines I found inside, brought back some memories. Good and bad, but mostly good now since I am through.
Its funny how time passes and you ride through many stations of life. Sometimes you stop and sometimes you speed through in hopes of setting a new speed record or just simply to show off to the standing crowd. I guess I missed a station that I want to go back to. Get off the train and wonder around a bit, but as we all know that’s not possible anymore. Why? Because our life is on a track and we ride on an engine that is incapable of moving backwards.
I don't write anymore, not that I can't. It brings back too many memories and I stop writing. I have yet to find the pages and files that contained the explosive materials that burst out of me. One think though, I wish I could find a subject matter again that I can be creative about. For now, I guess I am no poet.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
I just spent four hours gluing
I am listening to lot of Hindi music recently. This symptom could be a side-effect of experiening the culture first hand. None the less, it’s a good feeling... since I can enjoy it while it lasts. As for speaking Hindi, I need someone to practice with. I was doing quite well, when I was talking to people back there and I am quite proud of my bargaining skills in Hindi, and it’s probably the most important one to have if anyone ever goes to visit that county.
College visits are routinely carried out; nothing new there. Well, maybe; we did started drawing from models last week. It’s quite a tad boring thing to do, even though a girl is walking around naked in class.
I need to start reading something. Read time machine after I came back and haven’t touched anything since. Its quite surprising since I always have to keep my internal book warm happy by giving it its hefty diet.
It is late. Now I sleep. I was up to finish my rectilinear structure.
Monday, September 27, 2004
Time just passes by when you're having no problem and of course some fun.
And there goes another weekend. Like always I did my job well and procrastonated, so I don't have my drawing class assignment anywhere close to being finished. Actually the fact is; I don't even have the proper materials to finish the job. Now, what do I do? hmm make a very good plan to spend my day tomorrow (or today rather) wisely and get things done before 5pm when I have to leave for school. I think that might just work. That leaves me with an early morning round at the art supplies store.
I am off to bed for couple of hours. Yay to college life and coffee.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
"The height of scrap papers in my trash-can clearly displayed my frustration and the tight situation I was in; writing an introduction for my presentation.”
That was the opening line of my essay about an important piece of writing. Yes, an essay about writing an essay. My first assignment in my English class; also the same paper that got me to skip a level. I can take second year English now.
Yes, I am in university or college; whichever is acceptable, because OCAD seems fall somewhere in between. I see it as my second high school. Total population including staff is only thirty-five hundred; a large high school.
It has been a while since I have written in diary and as time passed by so did many events. No unusual turns in life though. Everything is same, old and boring or not. After returning from my trip, I was pretty much broke financially. The situation now has changed though completely not stable.
To be honest, I don’t know what to write in this diary anymore, not much happens in day to day life and I am completely satisfied with that result, because it just might help me go though four years of school. I am currently busy trying to develop the hundreds of pictures I took. Then I am going to construct an album from them.
Between four art classes, I am getting about twenty to thirty hours of work sketching, painting, cutting and gluing every week. That might not sound like much, but becomes tad boring after awhile. And if anything becomes boring, it becomes a hellish experience to go though. I try to look at the bright side, that I will finish all this mumbo jumbo in a year, cause second year courses seems a lot more interesting from the syllabuses in the course selection book.
I am tired now; I did this entry for the sake of doing one and reviving my need to write things down. Also this will help keep by pen sharp (hypnotically speaking of course) until next semester when I will really have to take an English course. Until then I just draw my heart out.
Monday, July 19, 2004
I have made it to Khulna safely and have spent three days here. So far I have covered come local sites that I had to visit. Going back to my grand fathers’ village home was one of them.
I had to take a wooden boat to cross the river, and then take a muscle powered van (more like tricycle) to the estate.
The two floor building is in very poor condition; the brick wall are rotting and everything looks like it’s about to fall down. The pond at the back was also polluted. The place still was surrounded by many sorts of trees as it was eight years ago; jackfruit, mango, papaya, litchi and many other fruit trees that I don’t know the names of in English. I have taken many pictures of the place including a picture of my grandfather’s grave, which is located right on front of the house.
I have never seen my grandfather because he died seven years before I was born, but going back to visit his grave brought a certain sense of attraction.
My grandfather was a politician and a famous person in the region. So, many people greeted us at the village and talked my dad and uncles, and how our family is blessed.
Then we went to see the high school that my grandfather build in 1947, which still is the only school in the region.
I reserved a boat only for my uncle and I on the way back, so I can take pictures and I did. Not a bad day at all, but I wished to stay longer by my grandfather’s grave.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Post from Bangladesh.
Yeah, I reached Bangladesh safely. Staying at the capital city right now, though I did venture around a bit and probably will take off from here tomorrow morning. I wish to post more often and there are plenty caber cafes around, but the internet speed here is slower than 14k modem, so I don't feel like using the net.
Well I guess I should post a run-down. I have spent most of my time here in, Dhaka, which wasn't so bad. I got to relax and do nothing for a week; well not exactly cause I was attending dinners most of the nights and I did travel inside the city and shot some very interesting photographs. I wanted to travel and cover some distant sites, but as some of you know its rainy season here, and roads are flooded; traveling to some areas is next to impossible.
I took a shot at Cox's Bazer, which is town located pretty much at the bottom of Bangladesh and shore to Bay of Bangal which leads into the Indian Ocean. I went there with my cousin and a frind of his. I stayed there for couple of days at the rest house provided by my uncle. The walk on the beach was pretty cool, even though it was drizzling. Then we took the jeep on a path neighbouring hills on one side and the sea on the other. It was beatiful and of course I got few perfect photo opportunities. At the end of the path we stopped and climbed the hill to a peak where we stood under a gazebo and stared at the sea; just beautiful. I am not sure my camera can capture such beauty.
Well, now I am back in Dhaka and planning on leaving for Khunla tomorrow morning if everything goes well. Once I am in Khunla I will post updates because a trip through Shundarban mangroove forest definately will be interesting. I want to write to people, but not using this ancient computer and so called broadband service. I should go over to my cousin's place where I can use a P4 and something faster than 2kbps. Also I am keeping a paper diary with much more details of my trip cause I can't write in here daily or even weekly.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
London
I guess this is where it begins; my new experience. I got off the plane at 8am this morning (loacal time), but didn't get through security until 9AM cause of my films and cameras; they opend everything assuming I hid minuture explosive in the canisters and the guy continued to add that it was done before.
I got just about an hour of sleep; the quiet sleeping area helped. Now, I am adding this entry and chewing away a crusty sandwitch, which I paid rediculusly high price of 9.50 us dollars.
My connecting flight is sceheduled at 2.30PM; destination is capital of Bangladsh, Dhaka.
(soory for any mistakes, this metal keyboard on this internet phone really sucks)
Friday, June 25, 2004
Time speeds up when you're feeling good.
Three months ago, when I was going through some emotional waves, I wanted the days to be over; I was counting my days to end of school, but now that it’s over and the last days were pleasing, I am regretting my hastiness. One thing though, finally my trip is coming together, the one thing that I steered myself towards from the beginning of this year.
I finally bought my ticket today, expensive as hell, what ya gonna do, peak season, everything is booked. Ok, flight to Paris was not put on the ticket like I originally planned; but if I decide to go, I guess I can change it in Bangladesh.
First stop, my home country, Bangladesh. I haven’t been back since I came here. I miss my grandparents, that’s about it and I certainly want to see my country from an adult’s point of view, now that I can old enough to actually take things in. Hmmmm… places I will be visiting….. the capital of course, then some 1300years old ruins, then worlds longest sea beach, then a mangrove forest… and various hill stations. I am heading off to India in middle of July. Two places that I’ll definitely visit are Jaisalmer and Darjeeling, rest will depend completely on timing. I guess I will keep up my diary from places I go, I will also start a paper diary (need something to do for all that travel time).
I still haven’t started shopping yet, knowing myself, the biggest procrastinator alive, I will probably start on Monday night. One thing for sure though, I got my cameras and shit load of films stored away in my fridge, I just hope it doesn’t smell like food when I take it out. Tuesday my flight leaves Toronto around 8pm. YAY… my summer begins.
I am happy.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
YAY! One comment on my diary; at least someone is reading my rambling. Hmm, now the question is who is crazier; I for writing my life away on this blog or the readers for actually reading. Maybe we are just equally bored.
Well things been good lately. My best friend was over again from Windsor and we had some fun together, but too bad he is leaving tomorrow, and I won’t see him again for at least two months. Actually, I won’t see any similar faces for next two months, which is sad, because I will miss them, but I guess it’s refreshing at the same time. I am always up for new experiences.
One of my other friends has been planning a camping trip for next week for both of us, which I would love to go on, but I am having second thought cause my pocket might on stretch that far and it will be awfully close to my departure date, which is still vaguely at 29th of this month.
Hmmm, I don’t think I experienced anything enlightening in last two weeks, thus my post seems very normal, but its still good in a sense cause things are following smooth. School is finally finished, got my marks too and I am quite pleased with them; only thing left to do is finish up the school’s website before I have the school administration hunting me down, they already were calling me down 50times a day to the office. Ok, 50 is a exaggerated number, but it surely seemed like it.
Hmm I will stop rambling for this morning; I was tired, did a late shift at the store, then “chilled” for couple of hours…. now I sleep.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
[It's a hot summer night. I am sweating in a tea stained shirt; mint cigarette clipped between two fingers, eyes glued to a newly purchased novel. Streets are empty, but a sole street lamp is my refuge for knowledge and entertainment. I am in a sanctuary, experiencing a perfect moment in a short and good life.]
We all like to dream big, make big, get big and even give big. We have invested our lives in super sizing everything. But tiny lil things are what make our life livable; a stranger’s smile, a spring bloomed flower, a cup of extra sweetened tea or slice of your favourite cake. Small things do matter or an experience that is delighting is not small at all. Cherish these experiences and live for the small, I know I do, and that have made all the difference.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
"Love is a rebellious bird that no one can tame" then why bother.
I feel indifferent; about just everything. Work, study, romance and life in general seem boring and frozen. I feel like an idle sports engine lying on front of a race track without any gasoline. Many dreams, hopes, thrills are just around the bend, but nothing seems be moving my car.
Prom was on Friday night, marking an end to high school life. I will miss the culture, the atmosphere and of course the people. Maybe that is the reason for this sudden stillness of life; maybe inside I don’t want to move on.
I have so much to do ahead. I hope I get out of this and move on, as for love, it can’t be tamed, but can be caged. One thing I keep on rediscovering over and over, that girls are girls, besides their exterior appearances, they have much more in common. Their inner child is much more grown up than ours and sometimes bullies the opposite and younger ones. I am sure that is not their intensions, but it turns out that way.
I will sleep now; not particularly to dream but to pass this ice age of a frozen time.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
A month of incredible happenings
It’s been 26 days or so since my last post. That’s not because I had nothing to write about, but I have been busy and lazy. Busy enough to not have extra time to write stuff and lazy enough to not make an effort of budgeting time; over top of all that, I am afraid of the small hand full of audiences of this diary; sometimes things are taken literary without consulting with me. So, it’s scary, but I will continue to write and frequently.
Things are slowing down a bit around me, days are sluggish and productivity is down, though I have a lot of work to do in terms of English homework, but this was so not the case last week. I had a hectic week, trying to finish up the yearbook and other designs tasks in hand. Yearbook is now finished and finally badminton season ended two Fridays ago. I felt very down that day, partially because of someone saying something and partially because I was defeated in my last game.
My best friend showed up and it was time to party and we did, last Friday. It was good to get away from all the work and relax for a change, we watched the leafs’ game at a bar and stayed there late and fooled around… I have some pictures; I might post them later. He left Sunday, now I should be going back to work.
My social life is as usual; chilling with acquaintances at school and quick msn messages in between computer based work. I have complained many times about not having a female companion, but the desire to connect to someone has left me. Maybe the clock just gave up; nah, I just think I got too busy to even think about it. But yeah it’s good in a sense.
I have some clearing up to do with some people. People sometimes get misinformed, and that information can be blown out of proportion, but I don’t understand why, people just don’t stop and ask why it is that way. What I am trying to say is, if you know someone is dishonest, why would you believe them, and especially when they are expressing their opinion on someone else. Anyways, now I am left to clear things up, and I don’t feel like doing anything, but honesty is best, so I will.
Hmm that was just a glimpse of what has been happening. I will update later, more about my website and my present day life. I have to start on few other mini projects on the site as well.
Friday, April 09, 2004
April in general
I am counteracting the desire of not writing anything here. Why? Well people have been talking about this diary too much nowadays, so I am reluctant to say much. I know, I have put my private life on the net, I have no right to complain, but the purpose of it was to declare everything and hide nothing, but I think it’s creating more controversy and negative ness than intended. So, posts might just become infrequent, though I will try my best not to let that happen and continue on my initial thought and purpose.
YAY! I have finally talked to someone few nights ago, someone I dearly respect; who I thought have forever lost. Saying that I was excited and felt peculiarly happy, but that didn’t last too long; for some utterly unrelated odd reason yesterday turned out to be a bad day and I can’t seem to pin point the cause of it. I have made hypotheses, but they are weak. I feel I lost something that I never had. Yet, I thought hell can freeze over and nothing would happen to me, but I am rattled now and certain things are becoming blurry. I will do my best, “sigh” again. I don’t want anything to mess up the setup I have perfected.
I have a lot of work to finish; I took many orders for logos. I wish I had another person to help me out. Actually I am looking for some paid help, but no one willing I know is qualified, but I will see how that goes, until then I won’t be getting much sleep.
I had my OCAD interview last weekend, which was quite odd and left me with mixed feelings. The first guy liked my work, but suggested that I get my mind out of the dos-box and focus more on drawings and second guy just went through my portfolio in about 30seconds… I don’t know what will happen. Meh… the worst that will happen is that I won’t get accepted, in that case my overseas vacation will be extended to 12months like it was originally planned.
I am getting a little bit of creative juice back. I want to take photos and experiment with films, get away from digital for awhile. I need a model though, any volunteers?
Ok, now I am tired and final thought: I am starting a new section on my site named “dynamic belief” which will have few of my philosophies. I thought I would share them and save some people from my lectures.
Saturday, March 27, 2004
A lot of things got done tonight; at least for the website
First of all; a forum was added to my site, which is fully functional and customized and optimized after hours of work. www.mashfique.com/forum Also my blog got a commenting system. Look under the posts you can add your comments now, yay. I don't want to get into technical aspects of these two achievements.. All I have to say is my brain is drained.
Anyways... Tomorrow I have to wake up early and take my brother to science centre and go to library at some point and do my entire book report and ship few things at the post office and pay my parking ticket... Yah seems like it's going to be a very calm and unproductive day ... NOT. I need sleep, I will shutdown now.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
It’s five in the morning and I can’t sleep.
It has been awhile since I experienced nights like these; I can’t sleep because of whatever reasons; known and unknown. It used to be this way a long time ago; I sat through many nights without sleep. I did a lot of growing up during those days. But this time, I hope it's not a beginning of another phase in my life, where I have to experience great difficulty. As for my thoughts, they are all about, me being single and the feelings of isolation and aloneness. I just wish I had someone to share my thoughts and feelings with and someone who can give me some support. As a creative person, I find it very difficult to go on without emotional support. I don’t know how far I will progress like this. I believe in the power of the feminine. Both man and woman must unite in harmony to enjoy and experience the completeness of this earth. I always get a feeling that my time here is very short, and I am not living up to it. I am not selfish, but how can I help others if I am incomplete? Anyways, all I can say is that I am not a saint, I don't think I will feel any more content than I am and I wish to be complete, even so with an extarnel help, at least for sake of my mental and physical health.
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Utterly light day
I am spiritually enlightened today. I feel like lifting up and flying away; my heart and soul is illuminated. I am in heaven. Days like these, I wish the experience would last a little longer, but my friend had to call. And now, we are going to watch frightful, senseless, idiotic, falsely exhibited and apparently equally amusing game called: wrestling. I will be there as moral support, since I don’t enjoy such sport at all.
Million things have rushed through my brain today and I feel like exploiting every single thought, although it is impossible. However, I wish to add a new section to the site, I don’t know what I will call it, but I wish to share my views, my believes and if possible a bit of knowledge. Also it will allow others to add their own comments as well, turn the table around for a change.
I started reading my ISP book, “Death of Vishnu”, damn! another agonizingly depressing book filled with hate, humiliation, poverty, cruelty and lack of everything, yet it is all true and portraits the characteristics of normality and human nature in general. Or is just stories and truth that are alike, which take place in South Asia having a tendency of being like this. We are just bunch of sick people, I guess. What surprises me and sometime sickens me that we look past this and try to normalize our life, in this case I rather be abnormal; and take the finger pointing of others, and I do everyday.
Anyways, I think I have said enough for now. I wish people can learn to appreciate others for who they are and not compare them with their own normality, instead share theirs views in harmony, because we all have something to learn from each other. I might be obsessively optimistic in a sense, but it doesn’t hurt to hope and dream. Like I said, hope is what drives us all and I am glad I can dream with my eyes open.
Friday, March 12, 2004
Post from World Issues Class
It snow white outside; beatiful, but cold. I wish I was out with someone right now, but I am stuck in class doing pretty much, nothing.
I didn't get to work on my website last night, mainly because I was being lazy. I hope it will be done end of march break. I also have tons of portfolio materials to work with, OCAD interview is only 3weeks away.
Meh... emtional status: I wish to be more stable here, but with current situations sourrounding me, I think this is as good as it gets. What keeps me going everyday is the thought that, I am only here for 3 more months, then I am outta here.
I am planning on escaping and not confronting some people, that I previously thought about confronting. But i still wish there was something, I will see how it goes.
But I have no hope in this subject matter.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Things are moving; inch by inch
If you have been checking my website frequently, then you will notice that I am adding something every night and I will continue to do so until it is almost complete. The portfolio section now have few links working. The poetry section should be easy, just have to find the poems, I know I have them somewhere. I haven't written anything in awhile, if you read my poems already then there is nothing new. I am writing a short story, I don't know where I will put that though.
Wednesday
meh.. It was a very dull day, but ended in a good way. First I missed my bus for the trip, then I missed all my classes, because none of the teathers were there. I basically sat around in school all day, staring at my time piece, waiting, for the day to end, so I can play badminton. That didn't go too well either. None of the players were in mood to play and that brought my mood down as well, but like I always say... things happen for a reason, so I am not complaining. Finally my good old friend showed up after practice and we went to Tim Hortons to have a chat. That just made my day. Finally I got home to bug my mom and work on my website.
Hurrah... Thats about it.
Oh.. I think someone was there at school, I am not sure, but I missed her or she ran away. meh.
Monday, March 08, 2004
Simplicity is non existent in my veins.
Why do I intertwine everything and turn it into a ball of yarn? I have been at the task of normalizing my life as much as I can, but things just don’t go smooth. I land myself in trouble every step of the way. I sometimes don’t mind this bitter journey; it is all the same for me, but it gets tiring and you want to be just like everyone one else. I admire simplicity and normality but I can’t achieve it. I guess I was born a rebel and will die a rebel. I just hope not a rebel without a cause.
I am incompetent against the simplest things. My spirit was down and my day ruined by an utterly unforeseen comment. I know I am not good with public relations, but do I deserve to be blamed for idiocy. Anyways, coping with a new environment is always tricky, but I am not person who believes in defeat.
So who can take this ball of yarn and weave a warm scarf for me? Ha… (Joke of the day)
Rest of the junk
“yeah.. yeah.. yeah, cut the crap, where is your website that you promised a month ago?” as my friends who read this blog would ask. Well guys I got good news for you. I completed the layout last night. All I need to do is add some content and offer some food for your eyes to feast on, and then it’s all good to go. You can expect it to be up by next week. And for anyone new tuning into my blog (I say this cause words have gotten around and I myself made the mistake of advertising this mess) good for you. Now, not only you can deal with your own misery, you can have a little piece of mine. But god forbids I wouldn’t wish anything upon your soul that my soul have gone through or still goes through. Said that, I am generally a very content person and will share my happiness with anyone who has an even the sliest clue of who I am.
Sunday, March 07, 2004
I am excited,
I am inspired and I am sad tonight. Full ranges of emotions are taking me away. I am excited about my long anticipated trip and I am sad to discover few events from the past.
I never understood my dad. A brilliant guy, but never made anything for him; completely selfless. His character always confused me and I always resisted and hated his ways and at one point said to myself that I would never become like him. But tonight I found new respect for him... My mom told me a little bit about my dad’s past; things that took place in the 70s. His disappearance for four years and the hardship he endured. My grandmother used to tell me things as a child, but until tonight I knew very little. Even with this new discovery, I am left with many questions to seek answers for. Even my mom found out only a year ago and she only gave me sketchy information and she says thats all she knows and I would have never known if it wasn’t for the Hindi movie we were watching tonight. I always found him quiet, but he is appearing more mysterious and silent than ever before. Also what intrigues me is that he never mentioned any of this to his family.
I will find out, I am inspired about my trip now and have one more reason to travel. I thought I would find out about my family and document few things, but now this is turning into an adventure. My mom says I won’t be very successful asking my dad’s family members because they don’t know. I might have to visit few other places to obtain information.
I guess I have a long tie with this country, I was iffy about including Pakistan in my trip, but with this new information, I am considering a definite go.
Saturday, March 06, 2004
I have a lot to write about.
That is why I am going to resist and not write the whole thing. It is Friday night and I had one of the most interesting weeks, which ended with frustration, uncertainty and pain.
One of my friends applied for a film course at ryerson and he required a portfolio. I being reasonably good with Photoshop ended up helping him. Spent 2 nights at his place, result was a drained brain for most of the week. I don’t mind doing the work, but I felt sick during the day, but the portfolio pieces turned out to be pretty good, so it was worth it.
I saw my cousin again last night, he cheered me up and my aunt fed me some biriyani. Then I was off to helping my friend again. My parents didn’t like the idea of me staying out, but I had to do it, anything for my friends.
Now, here comes where I screwed up. I don’t know how, but I triggered a chain reaction so I was told. A comment I made disclosed some information that I was to keep secret, but apparently no one told me so. Now I have people behind my back asking me millions of questions.. Did you do this, did you do that.. Well I would like to say no I didn’t, but I am starting to think that I have made a mistake. Of course I had no wrong intention, but I am at gun point and I don’t like it. I don’t see how the outcome of events would have been any different if I didn’t say anything. But if I ruined anything for anyone. I would deeply like to apologize to that person and I will.
I am frustrated, uncertain and I am feeling shameful at this moment, I wish everything would disappear. I like the old I, where I stayed back from other people’s lives and stayed in my box, but now it’s too late to tabulate everything.
Anyways.. If it wasn’t for badminton, I would have been very upset tonight. It helped me released my stress. I went to Fairview and had dinner, I was trying to pull up my spirit but it’s still down, though I am complacent about my life.
I hope people can give me some space and forgive my mistakes.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
I guess I was too busy or didn't have enough to say, but last few days have been "interesting". Emotionally; I am finding myself positively high at times, but I wish it was more in the middle; a balance mood is most desirable. I don’t want to get too excited about things and have my heart broken, that’s the plain old truth. Don’t get me wrong, I would like to experience the cosmic delight of falling in love, but I am just thinking about the cost or even losses I might suffer if things don’t go too well. Certainly sounds like a business venture, doesn’t it, but that’s what it is boiling down to nowadays. I wish I could read minds, like the guy from “what women wants” (btw it was a gay movie, cost me a friendship, should have watched something else that day.. maybe the 3 years that followed after would been different- ask me for an explanation, you might get it).
Anyways… either than that I have been busy focusing on school. Homework, visits to library, yearbook club and badminton team has been consuming my time. That’s a good thing in a sense because I don’t have time to do something stupid like… chase girls or money. Yes I have completely stopped earning money, I am living on whatever I had made from my last work and I am also selling few useless things on ebay. It’s good to ask my parents for money again… haha.
Anyways as you can see, I am still on my happy streak, if I become upset; I quickly try to get out of it by talking to someone. A trip to Tim Hortons with one of my buddy does the trick. Talking is the best medicine for the mind.
My website and trip planning is on halt, mainly because I have no time to work on them. I picked India as my English independent study topic, so I can learn a bit before I venture into the place. I only want to visit few places in India; Darjeeling is first on the list. I am also planning on staying at one European city. I am thinking about Rome. We will see.
I have talked about my little cousin before. Yes, I adore him. He is the greatest, like I haven’t mentioned that many times before. Anyways, I got a picture of him finally, so I am posting it. Enjoy.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
WEBSITE
It progressed during the weekend and I am using a different layout then intended. The new one is pretty simple, almost boring, but I like it. I am a simple guy (yeah, right. Tell that to the unfortunate ones who faced the tragedy of being introduced to me). Anyways it should be up anytime now, depending on my mood and free time.
Can I get this out of my head?
I did a pretty good job of cleaning my head last week. People would say I am denying things, but I am not denying anything, I tried making everything as clear as possible for the curious few. This didn’t bother me as much during the weekend and I had a peace of mind, but I can’t sleep tonight.
I was almost driven to pick up my hold habits again, but I resisted. I hope this week is not a struggle, especially when the word is out. I can’t stop myself from thinking and contemplating over the issue, but I really wish it would all disappear because truly I would rather focus on my study.
Classes are going good so far and nothing has been interrupted, but the fear is still there. I have screwed myself over before - not that I regret anything. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and if you’re good to others and to yourself then it is usually for the better.
Only time will reveal the ultimate truth. I can imagine multiple different scenarios with bunch of happy endings, but I rather stick to reality. My imagination tends to be wild; one of the side effects of not dreaming in my sleep. So far in reality the prospect of a happy ending is very thin and I am not complaining.
I am a happy guy and I like to stay happy, I am through with depression but nature has dibs on my soul and won’t let me be who I want to be. I fall just like everyone else.
"I am through with love and I think I will never fall again" I liked the song, it was from a movie that I don't remember. It could have been someone humming that line too... but I am 100% sure it was from a movie. The point is I don't want to fall but at the same time can't balance myself... sorta ironic, but life is always beautiful, so live with it.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
"Just one more metric ton"
So, I will just put another heavy stone on my heart; it won't be crushed, I promise. I guess I can joke about it; there is no other way to ease my pain. I should be used to this by now as one who knows I would think, but it just weird every time. Yeah, yeah, yeah what you're thinking.... I got rejected or something; hell no. The matter is completely different and I will write about it some other day, for now I am healing myself. I need a break from all the stuff that’s been happening all around me. Talking a little about it (like this) is therapy, but talking too much about it is going to make it worse.
Other than that, life has been good to me.
There are other things, which I find funny and serious at the same time. I know people always have weird views of me, but never really bugged me; it sort of amused me to see others draw completely wrong pictures. Recently up in the gallery is "I smoke ganja all day" and "I am a super nerd" (this one always stays; maybe I should get rid of the glasses). The point is these opinions now worry me because I am completely open to people and I don't roam around like a shadow anymore. There is no mystery and yet people still do it and it bugs me a lot when someone who I respect thinks-up such a thing. I guess this aspect of my life won't change.
Maybe I should just stay in my box.
Friday, February 06, 2004
Life is like a box of chocolate - you always know what you're going to get. Just read the label.
I have been going through a storm lately, and thought I was going to sink my boat of happiness, but I was able to avoid the lighting and stay aflot. Troubled wind only blew on my face and almost brought tears to my eyes, but I didn’t cry.
I think I am finally getting good at this game called life, of course with exception of certain things. I am happy mostly and I look for nothing, but something comes up anyways. I guess I am still just a human – I see the things I am missing, I desire what others want and eventually I will want to settle down. I am not going to play a game of chicken with my life; I rather surrender and follow nature’s way, but try to be radical at the same time. What I am trying to say is; I am looking as well, looking for that “pure morning I can keep”. It’s very hard to find the beauty that not only tantalize you; admire you back as well.
In conclusion - chocolate is sweet and delicious, but I rather wait and try to read as many labels as I can before I open the box.
After all – lust, makes coward of us all. Resistance is not futile in this case.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
How to be happy.
Human brain follows the laws of physics all too well. Like Newton’s first law, things tend and want to stay at where they are. Same occurs in our head; time move on but thoughts and the way they process want to stay behind, resisting change. This is what slows us down, stop us from evolving, makes us unhappy, makes us angry, makes us fight, but with enough self inflicting unbalanced force to counteract the gravitational pull and friction will only propel us forward as a whole. Once I said “happiness from the past feeds our depression in present”, how wrong I was. Happiness from the past can also be used to heal the mind in present. People always say it used to be this way and that way; it always seems to me that people are constantly obsessed with being in better state in the past than the present. If you imagine, that you’re dead and life behind you is nothing but the past, then you will see your have been happy all your life or at least given the chance to be. Now if you can make a metal note and compare your life in the present, then you’re actually living in a state of happiness. If you don’t feel it, then you’re just not paying enough attention. You can alter your state, no dought. I believe I have done it, I think can do it again and I hope others can practice the same. If I can be an instrument of help in the process, then I am successful in the chain of evolution that I believe in.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Busy weekend
Just came back from my aunt’s place. Spent the night there, a lot of fun, always is. Chess and card games mostly, but conversations are what makes me want to go back all the time. My aunt, she is the best relative I have here and her lil son is the coolest too. I always have fun around him, but he turning out to be a very difficult kid to deal with cause he is too smart for his age (two years), you have to reason with him like an adult. I will get a pic of him soon. That’s all I have to say about my family for now, either than Eid is on Sunday and there is a family “type” party at my place (should be good).
It’s going to be a busy weekend I figured. I have meeting today about new work. Most likely they will have to be done on Monday. Currently I am running on only 5-6 hours of sleep in last 48 hours, can’t pull anymore hours, I must shutdown soon, after I return from my meeting of course.
Flash is being pain in the ass. I always hated flash for their huge files and slow presentation on low speed internet connection. I am a BIG minimalist when it comes to web-site design. KISS… keep it simple stupid… theory is what I follow. But recently all the clients want flash intros or completely flash based sites, they don’t understand the complications with it. They can’t be viewed by remote browsers.. like on PDA or cell phones. They can’t be updated easily. Running a database backbone is next to impossible, at least with my knowledge level. I am giving up on these folks and switching to flash
”sigh”. I will even create an intro for my page.
Btw first day of school was alright. Classes seemed interesting and I am actually going to study this semester- like I have a choice, I need the damn marks. I don’t want to take any chances, I got in last year, if I don’t get in this year; I am going to have to shoot myself or run into wilderness and spent rest of my days eating slime. First option sounds a lot better. The point is I don’t want to serve people Big Macs in any point of my life. I rather beg on the street. Education is a necessity, maybe even a desire now. I really suck at few things, like English. Hell I can write stories and poems, but when it comes to writing essays, I just can’t put anything down on paper. God help me (for those who know me; no, I have not changed my opinion, this is a joke), show me some sort of path, light the light that shine through the dark clouds or illuminate an idea bulb on top, like familiar scenes from thousands of cartoons. All I need is 70%, I am not greedy, and I need nothing more.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
A post after awhile
I was very busy last few days, but now its time to relax a lil. Exams are over and i didn't get any new disign tasks, which is not good for my bank balance... but the standby time can be used toplay with new softwares.
Tonight i saw big fish. Very nice movie; acting was very convincing, but story and flow of the movie lacked orginality, sorta in the same boat as forest gump. Also the first 30mins seemed like 300000hours, so yeah that part is boring, it was away longer than it needed to be. Overall it was fun to watch, a good break from all day of studying, best of all it was FREE (got some hookups at famous players now.. hehe)
I already have the mockup design for my site, now just animating few things and finalizing... it.
Every aspect (the ones i still count) of my life right now looks good and in reasonable positions. Then again i have been content for awhile, so nothing new. Next semester stats friday and my mission planning will begin, THE TRIP is not far away. I still need to save up money if i am going to travel beyond few internaitonal boder-lines.
Can't wait for ocad interview, so i can get the hell out of here. Who wanna join me????
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Post from an Internet Cafe
I am dead tired and will fall any moment. I have been working on Earth and Space science final project. The project is about landing a probe on Mars with an onboard aftificial environment, drill, sampling mechanism and a rocket to bring back samples. I didn't know the project is going to get this complicated. Currently we have found the flight path to Mars and back, robot design, mission plan, and and.... I don't know... I am drained. The point is we are pretending to be bunch of scientists, which we are clearly not. Anyways... I am not going any further on my website design or any other projects I have currently in hand, but what can you do.
I wish I could sleep and take a hot bath and maybe get a massage. I can surely use some form of relaxing. I am posting this because it keeps my mind off the tasks ahead and keeps me sane.
If you find my brain spllatered on the pavement on the way to school.... don't be surprised.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Yesterday’s post today.
I meant to post this yesterday of course, but was tired in the morning and busy during night. Not a lot happen yesterday but the morning was interesting and pretty exciting.
We were delayed leaving home for our photographic adventure; one of my friends slept in and forgot to turn on his cell. Anyways were able to leave home well before sunrise. Destination: somewhere north following Sheppard, past Morningside, big patch of forested land, mainly high ground and a creek. First we were caught by police, climbing a pretty steep, snow covered hill, but later we found out that he was more concerned about car being parked on a no parking zone and I am pretty sure he was pretty curious to see three boys with cameras and shovel walking on the edge of the woods. Especially at 6am, in a cold winter morning- we must be crazy.
After parking the car at a designated parking area, we started the trail that followed uphill. Sun began to rise by then and the sky looked dreamy, indescribable beautify. I guess I experienced a spiritual moment, it was as I was somewhere far up-north, like last summer, but I was surprised to see such beauty in the middle of the city. I just had to have one of my mint cigarettes, so I did; I asked for nothing more at the time, I was complete. We walked deeper into the trail and did some fooling around… you know what guys do, our trip was cut short when we found the end of the trail and the Queen Elizabeth Expressway … I cursed, what a scar on beauty of nature, a deep cut right on her face.
Once we started heading back, the cold really attacked us all, we were out for more than two hours by then. We saw a dead fish hanging on a tree and we stopped to inspect, what in the devil was it doing up there. We’re puzzled but not curious enough to investigate further, cold was chilling my bone by that time. We hurried back and panned a breakfast at Mcdonalds.
Today’s News
I finished the book, The Da Vinci Cod, Karna would be proud. It was a good adventure, flowed like a suspense “movie” (please inspect carefully, I didn’t call it a film, so not an artsy fartsy book, pure to the point, knowledge based action) but the ending lacked originality and left me bored. Well a week long quest is now over, what I will read now; any suggestions? (onieps2@hotmail.com) mail em in.
I am posting few pictures from the morning adventure below. I used film but a lot of digital pictures were also taken. Film picture will be part of my portfolio once they are developed and the site is running, so look forward to them. Anyways enjoy.
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Saturday, January 17, 2004
Update. YaY!
I think I stopped working on the site completely. I have no time to, I had too much work and I have a feeling tons more is coming up next week. At least I get the weekend to chill and read. Maybe I will update the site even, but present task on front is taking some pictures of sunrise, which I am doing tomorrow with couple of my friends. They also need portfolio materials for university. I already have mine; just expanding it and THE TRIP should also enrich it as well.
Yes “The Trip” I think it’s finally under way. If everything goes well with OCAD interview and yearbook and the current long projects I have in hand by May, then I am out of here. Finally going to end this prolonged stay in TO and fly my ass down to Asia. Planning on backpacking bunch of countries through summer and hopefully will be back with raw materials to work with next September. This is something else I am planning on posting on Mashfique.com, but I will not talk about it now.
This is why I am trying to trickle up my photography skills right now, not digital, digital is boring, too sharp for my eyes, back to good old film, expensive but classy. Only now if I can find a backpack freezer to carry my films along (no I am not crazy, people who work with film will understand).
Anyways.. things are all looking good again, except my friend, he is in trouble in Windsor and I didn't help him, I feel like shit for not giving him his entitled dough. I am going to make sure that happens though.
What else.. hmm yeah I might start writing again, I haven’t done that for a long time. My inspiration to write sort of left after an incident last year, but things happen and you move on. I might finally write about life and spirituality. My writing skills are questionable but I can manage to pull some interesting shit out of ass and most important of all I feel like doing so.
Started a New book, well didn’t start more like in middle of it. Most who keep in touch with chapters or other book stores will know the title “The Da Vinci Code”, on the best seller list right now, really really addictive story, so far. Also I found a book titled “smoke and mirror” in my book drawer, well I bought it few months ago, only read few stories from it before, but at the time of purchase something rang in my head and said it was going to be a good book and I also thought someone has suggested the book. But I never quite understood why I bought it. Then after telling one of my long distance friends about the book, he explained and I realized why I might have purchased it. It sort of scared me or more like puzzled me… I guess things just don’t leave your head.. subconsciously a preprogrammed troll in your head keeps on bagging and says things beyond your understanding. Anyways the story is that the book was by an author, which was loved by someone I knew previously… someone different and special you can say, and to my knowledge she never told me about the book, but maybe the author. I dunno, Scary.
I think I did my ratting for tonight. I am out.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Very hectic day and I screwed up everything at the end.
I left very early around 5.30 this morning to make it to Mount Sinai and drop off my dad on the way. Morning seemed pretty promising, bring my mom home, go to school for meetings, then study at the library after school with the science group. A lot of things to do but this way I stay busy and content. Things started screwing up from the beginning. The carpool guy’s car didn’t start, so my dad had to take his, so I was left without a vehicle at 6am. I TTCed my ass to the hospital from an unfamiliar location. I didn’t get pissed at the moment; understanding the situation, I continued like as nothing had happened. At the hospital, they delayed the release for hours and we got home at 1.30am on a taxi (not a pleasant ride for a patient) also that meant I missed all my classes and was about to miss weekly yearbook meeting after school with a dead line so near, it’s not an option I can afford, but I called to cancel just about everything that had been scheduled.
Later in the evening, about 7.30 I had to go out to buy some drugs and at the same time I decided to meet up the crew back in the library and see how they are doing with the science project. Surprise, surprise…. I only found roughly written 2 paragraphs and bunch of guys battling their hormones, watching the pretty girls across the room and indulged in cell phone conversations (who the heck invented after 6 unlimited calling anyways, he must die). I to the rescue revived the group and took responsibility for finishing it for tomorrow. We spent few hours hopping places and doing very little work. At 10.20 I was late to bring the drugs to my mom and that’s where I screwed up big time. When I came home she was in terrible pain without any pain killers and my dad was pretty pissed at my late return and my mom had a face that I will not forget for awhile. I don’t know how I can make it up to her and doing something like this is like losing trust from people. I don’t know how to fix it and I sit here thinking and contemplating, of course her medicine was more important, but I don’t know what made me ignore that factor when I was sitting in the library. I know I screw things up, but I need to find out how to fix this problem, I guess I need to become more responsible. I don’t know. I have done this many times to many people, never intentionally. But soon I will lose hope and stop doing anything important at all, why bother. I am doomed to fail anyways. I hope, I really do, that doesn’t happen though, because hope is what drives us all.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Hmmm… let me think….
I am too tired to think, screw it. All I know, I need some sleep. I have been up for last whatever hours. Its funny when I want to sleep, I am flooded with work, but when I had no work couple of months ago I sat mostly on my ass all night long. Besides sleep, I have been deprived of many other things: like love, hmm I don’t know if it exists within this tired and torn body. I am not talking about “I want to get into your pants” love; talking about love for anything… and everything. Simple love as sipping a cup of tea with a mint cigarette or complex love: like watching the dynamic motions of a plastic bag on a cool winter breeze inside an air pocket created by exterior of a building.
Just want to forget it all and drop down. Stress can do that to you I guess. I am still content though and for that I am thankful. I wish I could post more, but I rather wait until I am refreshed.
And I said I wasn’t going to think…..
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Website update
Ok my blog is going to get a facelift and open-heart surgery. I have been learning about blogs and I think I am ready to add new features to my blog, but there is an issue with this. There are millions of options available to add a commenting system. Now I have to decide if I am going to host it form another site and modify the template, this option is easy, but what happens if the host decides to stop serving like a lot others do when their servers gets flooded…. ? So, I might just end up running script on my server…. hmm great. Now which language; ASP or CGI?
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Website
Website layout is no where close to being done, but I have ideas for what will go in my portfolio this year. I have a lot of commercial work now, but I am still lacking sketches and 3D renderings.
The daily stuff
Finally I got some sleep tonight, refreshed, but now this clear mind is coming up with reasons to worry. So much needs to be done before Friday. Five, six deadline to meet, don’t remember how many projects I am working on anymore. Freelancing don’t produce dough instantly, so, I am waiting and at the moment completely broke and tired of pumping gas in my dad’s car. Also have to pay back my friend end of this week. Besides temporary money trouble, 2004 is pretty much looking good for me.
I was debating lot about religions and its purpose few months back, but the topic now has become rusted among my friends. I also don’t care at the moment. It’s been awhile since I have shared my “dynamic belief” theory with someone, but couple of nights back I had a thought and that I am putting up right now…
“Life is a mass of jungle waiting front of us. Some people rush in like savages, destroying everything in their path. Some wonder in and get lost. Most pick up the pamphlet of a promising all inclusive guided tour offered by a religion. Tours are affordable and include major sights like: waterfalls and herd of water buffalos. But, I rather be an explorer, taking one step at a time to truly enjoy the magnificent creation, then maybe I can even call myself a naturalist.”
Anyways… now it’s 4.19am. Sleep time. I wish everyone would understand that we live to experience: good and bad, there is no difference. At the end you can be happy if you learn to love.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Tired but inspired
I pulled another all-nighter. A lot of things got done, for the yearbook and freelance projects. I wish I had afternoon classes, but I don’t. Also a teacher has asked me to teach couple of lessons on web-design. I hope I survive though those, cause I am dead tired. Also, I have to take my computer to school today, because I have a lot of stuff to output, but no time to burn, since it’s 7.46am. (I know it’s different from my blogger time, but I don’t know why it’s showing a different time, maybe the server is in a different time-zone. I will check later). Anyways… I will update more on my website later on today. All I care about now is making it back home safely and I am having second thoughts about driving.. hmm maybe I should take the bus…. Nah.
Monday, January 05, 2004
Last 24 hours.
Today turned out to be a continuous work day, starting at noon through midnight. I did lots yearbook stuff and contemplated over designs that I get paid for, but ended up doing not much there. When I got bored around 8pm, I put the digital camera to action and captured a decent picture of myself and now it’s on my site, which is under construction and well behind schedule. I don’t know the point of putting my picture up, since it’s up, but at the moment it was a prime idea.
Holidays officially ended today, back to school from tomorrow. I don’t celebrate Christmas, but I had fun. Worked and slept all days and chilled all nights. Convenience of having a car played a really crucial role and the presence of my long distance friends, (I don’t know when I will see them next). Overall I am very satisfied with how things are going… I usually am always, but do have hiccups sometimes.
Part time classes make you really lazy and especially on days when classes are in the morning. It’s 5am and I am going to bed, not that I am tired, but I will be later on the day if I don’t catch some sleep now.
Saturday, January 03, 2004
Website update:
It's taking forever to get my domain working. I was in an intense mood of frustration after trying for few hours last night and today. Finally I made a choice to abandon my favourite web-host (www.lunarpages.com) and move to a new one. If this company is any better my site should be up and running by end of next week. Now I can concentrate on Design… YAY!
The decision to make a personal website was inspired by an application that I submitted to OCAD (www.ocad.ca). This new website will contain my new portfolio, resume, a blog and other junk that I feel like disposing every now and then. I know a new portfolio is not necessary because I got in using the existing one, but recently I have been deprived of reasons to create art. So, this will be a reason, if traffic inclines of course.
Friday, January 02, 2004
Hmm finally i am giving a shot at creating my own online journal. I can use livejournal or dead journal, but i am going to use a blogger instead so i can host it at my own site.. www.mashfique.com which will be up soon.
